Being human comes with many different aspects. Some may be good while others seem bad. If you take a closer look at humanity, you will see that no matter how perfect one tries to be, we all have some sort of insecurity that wants to take over. Here’s my story:

Today I stand as a 20 year old who still battles insecurities. When I was younger I used to run around like any other child whether it was at my family village or at our home in the city. I was always a slightly chunky girl. I did not care about what anybody had to say whenever I wore a two pieced swimsuit. I was so young and my family never judged me for being a little bigger than they were. I did not care, I loved my body because everyone told me that I had a lot of “junk in my truck”. Eventually things changed when I turned about 10 or 11. At this point kids at my school used to taunt me about being “fat”. They would chase me around the school yard until I could not catch my breath and threw up. It was not fun at all. After this I started to look at myself differently. I hated my clothes, I hated my stomach, I hated the way that I looked and I definitely hated myself. I thought constantly , ” Why can’t I be thin like everyone else?” Later on I decided to starve myself so that I could lose weight and be thin. I used to cry about it but I felt like no one really understood how I felt. My family constantly told me that I do not need to listen to what others say about me and that I was beautiful just the way I am. I tried to love myself but I just could not.

I went on to high school at the age of 13, I was still a bit chunky. I tired to work on myself during the summer but I often gave up. Everyone wore revealing swimsuits while I was always in a tank top and shorts. I could not take my clothes off, what would they all say if they saw my belly hanging out in the open space. I made friends at High school who were thicker than I was and some who were thin. One of my friend who was a little thicker than I was told me she wanted to lose weight so we started to workout every evening after school. It was exhausting but also great. Eventually I lost a lot of weight but whenever I looked into the mirror I did not feel like myself. I hated the new “thin” me. I had no idea what to do with myself so I began to gain back all the weight that I had lost. Unfortunately I gained more than I had lost and it all settled right at my stomach. I was devastated. I tried hard to just be myself and not care what anyone had to say about my body but that definitely did not work. I started to wear baggy clothing so no one would notice that I was “fat”. I felt a little more comfortable but still I felt like an elephant. I wished and prayed so hard that I could lose weight and then I’d be able to wear all the cute outfits just like my sisters. The thing about it all is that I’m not really a big eater. Eventually I started to starve myself because in my mind it was the best idea and also the fastest.

When I got into my major which was Science, I later found out that I was being destructive to my body. I cared more about what I looked like and not what I was feeding my body. Science majors are allowed to choose three Sciences to study. The choices were Physics, Food and Nutrition, Biology and Chemistry. Biology and Chemistry were mandatory while Physics and Foot and Nutrition were more of an elective. I knew in my heart that Physics was not for me so I chose Food and Nutrition not only because it seemed easier but also because I really enjoyed learning how to cook and bake. Although Bio and Chem taught me a lot, Food and Nutrition made me understand a lot more about Science than I thought I would. It is in fact a Food Science but I was more into learning how to make the best chocolate cake from scratch. During Food and Nutrition class I would usually reflect on the topic. It was then that I understood how important it is to not only nourish our body but to also listen and love it. I tried to eat healthier and I worked out a few times but there was always something inside of me that never seemed to be satisfied. It was like a hunger that was never full. I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong. I was so mad and annoyed and I started to hate my body all over again. I went on class trips whether they were over night or just for the day. We would take so many pictures and I hated every single one of them that showed my body. I tried so hard to hide it because I didn’t want everyone to know that I hated myself. Often times some of the other girls would say that they looked fat or that they needed to lose some weight. I on the other hand just sat there and listened, I could not understand how a gorgeous 5 foot 7 inches girl with such a beautiful figure say that she needed to lose weight. At one point I looked at her and said, “You think you’ve got it bad, try having a body as heavy as mine for the rest of your life”. Sometimes we’d joke around about sharing our body fat so that we could all be fabulously fit. What they didn’t know was that I was in no way kidding. What seemed as a joke for them was more of a long time dream of mine. It was also one of the reason I would cry myself to sleep.

In 2017, I was super depressed because of a friendship that went up in flames. I was so depressed that I lost a ton of weight. I wasn’t eating for weeks, had to keep hydrated because my grandmother was worried but that was it. I was weak and thin, just like I always dreamed to be. Eventually I got my spark back and went to further my studies at the University. I started eating a lot of unhealthy food because I was basically on my own and didn’t know much people and the fast food restaurant was right across the street. So of course I gained back my weight, I was also drinking again and often replacing a plate of food with a bottle of alcohol. I think what really saved me from going further was that I became sick and had to go to the doctor. My weight was unbelievable, my skin was reacting badly to all the fatty foods that I was consuming. After my doctor visit I started to eat less fast food, drank more water than alcohol and I also had the opportunity to dance in a ballet show which was intense because I was unhealthy. I started to workout more and danced more, I felt so much better.

Today, it is April 18,2020, I wrote this on July 7, 2019.

Although there has been a gap and this post should have already been up I’m glad I didn’t post it. I was afraid to post it because I felt exposed. The thing about it is that I don’t feel that way anymore. I’ve been attending sessions and I’ve realized that SELF-LOVE was missing all along. I’m on a journey to not only find out who I am but to also love ME for ME!

I entered 2020 on a ladder leading up to 200 lbs and I’m only 5 feet 2 inches or less which means that I am slightly obese. Unhealthy for sure but I’m changing it all. In October of 2019, I found out that I was almost at 200 lbs. My new journey allows me to look at myself and love me no matter what size I am. I do hate the feeling of being unhealthy and heavy which is why I’m changing to better myself. A lot of people assume that I’m trying to lose weight so that I could look like a model but the thing about it is that they are totally wrong. I’m not losing weight to please anyone but myself, I honestly don’t even care about how much I lose. What I really care about is becoming healthy and loving MYSELF.

With all this being said, My insecurities used to make me feel so empty and ugly. Now I’m about to show my insecurities who’s boss. My insecurities can’t hurt nor control me unless I give them the power to do so. Instead of fighting it I’m going to embrace it all.

Love yourself, love everything about yourself even through the little things. Honestly, it is hard but no matter how much you want to give up you can’t. Continue to push through and you’ll see that it is worth it.

LOVE YOU, FOR YOU !

WORK ON YOU, FOR YOU !

BE THERE, FOR YOU !

–Life with Kyrstie